Header Illustration by Andy Smith
Morning pickles. Those of you who have been following my blog for some time may remember a feature I used to run known as…The Bunker! I was made aware by ‘my man on the inside’ that the Government had built a top secret underground facility that is fully stocked and ready to house and protect the world’s elite when the apocalyptic shit hits the fan. I managed to get my hands on some of the administration forms handed out to these lucky elite few and I posted them here on my blog, until 1 day, they all just disappeared. Interviews with Logan Hicks, Skinner, Kris Kuksi, Mysterious Al and other just vanished from the blog without a trace. And so I stopped all investigations into the Government bunker, but have since started work on my own.
For weeks now I’ve dug, hammered and drilled my way deep underground in a secret location. I’ve stocked up on the Pot Noodles (other freeze dried, tasteless space food is available), baked beans and Pinot Noir. I’ve invested in a couple of Scrabble boards, a Connect 4 and a 1970s jigsaw of some kittens in a basket. When the end comes, I’m quite confident that down there, myself and a chosen few will be safe and happy until the smoke clears.
But I won’t be down there alone, oh no. I’ve chosen a small army of my favourite creative types to not only keep me company, but to help get the ball rolling above ground once the Martians have finally died, the meteors have ended, the earthquakes have stopped, the tornados have passed, the solar flares have cooled, the mushroom clouds have disappeared. My first entrant into The Bunker is an illustrator that I only really discovered quite recently. After I came across him in a few books I have, I realised I’d already been seeing and enjoying his work for a long time on projects for Nike (Run London), Virgin, Orange, Penguin Books and in the Guardian. His work has a beautiful simplicity full of colour, humour and lovely typography and he’s one of my favourites. His name is Andy Smith, and here’s his Bunker entry.
TB: We can allow you access to 1 music video. What will it be?
AS: I’ve never been a music video type so this is a bit difficult. I think to get the most from it I’d want a long video, I’ve just looked on google and it says the longest ever is by Kanye West but I don’t want that. Sorry Kanye. I’ve just looked over at my cd’s and I want one by the Silver Jews, I’ll have Tennessee as I like that song. I’ve just looked it up on you tube and the video seems to be an unrelated film of a boy playing with a cat but nevermind. I like the song anyway.
TB: There is room on the wall for 1 piece of art. What would you like?
AS: I’m quite tempted to say something valuable like a Van Gogh or Damien Hirst so if I ever get out of this bunker I can make some money by selling it. But in the post apocalyptic wastelands is a painting of Dr Gachet going to be a good currency alternative? And theres going to be skulls and bones all over the place so the Hirst is a no goer too.
So I’ll go for something by the Japanese artist Keiichi Tanaami, I don’t mind which one, all his stuff is very busy so I’ll have a lot to see.
TB: There is a small bookshelf with room for 1 book. What will it be?
AS: ‘The completely mad Don Martin’ He was a cartoonist for Mad magazine and his stuff is very funny so will cheer me up when I’m looking at those grey walls. I’ve seen this book in a shop in Brighton and its massive as well (two volumes). I’m going for quantity in my bunker.
TB: You’re allowed 1 film. What will you watch?
AS: I hate watching films more than once- whats the point when you know whats going to happen?- but for some reason I always like to watch Jaws when its on TV. It seems to have accompanied me through my life. So I’ll have that.
TB: There are bunk beds inside the room. Who gets the other bed, and which bunk would you like?
AS: So I’m not in there alone? My wife of course, we’ll sort out the arrangements when we’re in there.
TB: You’re allowed 1 small treasured item. What is it?
AS: A pen so I can doodle on the walls. Though after going mad from constantly watching Jaws on repeat I’ll probably just write ‘ We’re going to need a bigger boat’ everywhere.
TB: We’ve managed to get you a CD player. What album would you like?
AS: Wow a whole album! You’re getting generous, I thought I’d be lucky with a single. Like everything else I’m taking I’m going to get sick of it quite quickly. I’ll have Trout Mask Replica. By the millionth playing I might get in to it. Or perhaps a Serge Gainsbourg compilation then I’ll be able to learn French whilst I’m in there. I think he did a not very good song called Rock around the Bunker so it’ll be especially great when that one comes on.
TB: We are willing to cook you 1 meal of your choice on your first night in The Bunker. What would you like?
AS: Mr Eelus, I’m sure you’re cooking is great but I think it’ll be fish and chips from the chip shop. Not one of those ones from the seafront though. They are too stingy with the chips.
TB: All inhabitants of The Bunker MUST have their memories of Old Earth erased. However, we will allow you a single memory of your old life. What will it be?
AS: In a way this might be nice. Sort of like a new start? I’d like the memory of how to do buttons up. When I was very young I had a lot of trouble with them and I had to wear roll neck tops instead of shirts till I got the hang of them. I don’t want to go through all that again and theres been no mention of the clothing arrangements anyway.
TB: We can project a view of your choice onto the Window Screen. What would you like to look at?
AS: I think a moving one of the sky would be great. It will be like being in Vegas.
Thank you for your co-operation. We will do our best to satisfy your needs and we wish you a pleasant stay in The Bunker.
The Bunker Administration Team.
Andy has work in the upcoming RSVPHRH show which opens this Thursday at The Rag Factory, just off of Brick Lane, from 6.30pm onwards. You can see more of his awesome work and buy his prints at his PORTFOLIO site and he runs a pretty good BLOG too. If clicking links is too much work, here’s a few of my favourite pieces.
Nike-Run London 2001 from Andy Smith on Vimeo.